Friday, January 11, 2008

Why, Willie? Why?

Willie, oh Willie. Why do you have to eat everything you see? When did you decide that rubber bands were not only edible, but delicious? We give you Iams for crying out loud. Iams! We realize it's the weight control version, but this isn't the cheap stuff, Willie. But you want cake, cookies, popcorn and chicken. And Cheese. You actually ate lentil soup. Lentils! And onions. Why for the love of Pete do you like lentil soup? And onions?

Did you not learn your lesson with the shefflara? We thought that your thirst for anything you can fit into your mouth met its match with the mildly poisonous houseplant that once flourished in the kitchen. Unfortunately, you couldn't abstain from the forbidden fruit. You ate, then yuked, and we cleaned it up. And then you gave up the nasty habit. But we've seen lately that you have given in to temptation. Branches are missing, Willie. Not just a couple leaves. Branches.

You want to see what a healthy sheffelera houseplant is supposed to look like?

You want to see what ours looks like now, Willie?

You are so busted.

Are you keeping a collection of rubber bands hidden in your stomach? We can't think of any other reason why you would decide to eat them when you pull them off the cabinets. Do you know why they're on the cabinets to begin with, Willie? It's to keep your fat behind from opening the cabinets when you go rummaging for food. The rubber bands aren't there as ornaments adorning your personal little food tree. They're there for a reason. Don't eat them!

We didn't want to call you Fat Cat. But sadly, you have earned it. Do you know what this means? You're always going to be Fat Cat unless you do something about it. It's not going to get done by eating small animals and begging for cheese. You're going to have to work at this, Willie. We're there for you. We want you to be the biggest loser. You can do it!



Album of the Moment: Wilco, Kicking Television: Live in Chicago

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