Friday, January 11, 2008

Why, Willie? Why?

Willie, oh Willie. Why do you have to eat everything you see? When did you decide that rubber bands were not only edible, but delicious? We give you Iams for crying out loud. Iams! We realize it's the weight control version, but this isn't the cheap stuff, Willie. But you want cake, cookies, popcorn and chicken. And Cheese. You actually ate lentil soup. Lentils! And onions. Why for the love of Pete do you like lentil soup? And onions?

Did you not learn your lesson with the shefflara? We thought that your thirst for anything you can fit into your mouth met its match with the mildly poisonous houseplant that once flourished in the kitchen. Unfortunately, you couldn't abstain from the forbidden fruit. You ate, then yuked, and we cleaned it up. And then you gave up the nasty habit. But we've seen lately that you have given in to temptation. Branches are missing, Willie. Not just a couple leaves. Branches.

You want to see what a healthy sheffelera houseplant is supposed to look like?

You want to see what ours looks like now, Willie?

You are so busted.

Are you keeping a collection of rubber bands hidden in your stomach? We can't think of any other reason why you would decide to eat them when you pull them off the cabinets. Do you know why they're on the cabinets to begin with, Willie? It's to keep your fat behind from opening the cabinets when you go rummaging for food. The rubber bands aren't there as ornaments adorning your personal little food tree. They're there for a reason. Don't eat them!

We didn't want to call you Fat Cat. But sadly, you have earned it. Do you know what this means? You're always going to be Fat Cat unless you do something about it. It's not going to get done by eating small animals and begging for cheese. You're going to have to work at this, Willie. We're there for you. We want you to be the biggest loser. You can do it!



Album of the Moment: Wilco, Kicking Television: Live in Chicago

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  • Oh, my. And I thought my Alex was bad! He once ate through two plastic grocery bags and then another plastic bag to get to some raw potatoes. Raw potatoes, I say! Cats are weird.

    By Anonymous Lara, at 1:55 PM, January 11, 2008  

  • Lara, go here and read this. Now:

    By Blogger CK1, at 1:57 PM, January 11, 2008  

  • sggedlo

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:20 PM, January 12, 2008  

  • that cat rules. i love it when cats are on your back.

    By Blogger Amber, at 2:37 PM, January 13, 2008  


    (and stuck! LOL)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:11 PM, February 08, 2008  

  • I love his expression. "WHAT? He's MY dad. I'll sit here if I want. Also, get me a treat, you."

    Have y'all considered those babyproofing kits? The ones that clamp drawers shut and doors closed, cover outlets, etc.? We bought a couple of sets when HarryCat arrived and have never regretted it. Plus, bonus safety when friends with bebbehs come over.

    Unless, of course, they are bebbehs like Baby Fishmouth, who not only pulled the outlet covers off but tried to PUT THE CAT'S WHISKERS INTO THE OUTLET. OMGWTH. I see scientific research (and possibly a U.S. Senate seat) in her future, unless we can stop her.

    We also suggest wild bird- and bug-chasing sessions with Da Bird or Da Bug, available at your nearest pet superstore or online at HarryCat (aka Fat Bunny, Big Fat Cat, Pudgy Boy, OofGetOffMe) has trimmed his tum considerably with a couple of 30-minute sessions a day. (Plus, mum now has Biceps of Steel!
    Well, Biceps of Aluminum Foil, maybe, but still.)

    P.S. -- That sweet potato link has caused me to nearly wet my chair about three times. It is so wrong, yet so true.

    By Anonymous grandefille, at 11:38 AM, February 11, 2008  

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